EARS TO YOU

I have discovered the wonderful benefits of ear plugs.

Oh, yes. The rat race and rabble-roustabouts of the known world care not if a person gets a decent night’s sleep, or even a refreshing afternoon siesta.

The garbage collectors collect and thrash about.

The mower maniacs swarm all over nature’s hard work.

The remodelers cut and bang and crank-up their boom boxes.

And youthful exuberance screeches from dawn to however long it takes to permanently damage the voice-box.

All of the above have the right of personal expression.

All of the above have the right to earn a living.

But all of the above don’t have the right to display excessive behavior.

Do you think I’m going to confront said excessive personnel and undisciplined personalities? Not on your life.

You see, it is very clear that any complaint against freedom of expression (i.e. undisciplined noise) is frowned upon by the liberally deaf.

I fumed and fussed for a very long time before a good friend set me straight. “You don’t have ear plugs?” she said, with a face full of shock and wonderment.

“No,” I countered. “I honestly never thought about ear plugs for noise. Aren’t they just for swimming or for hard-rock musicians?”

“Where have you been?” she continued. “They (ear plugs) come in different strengths and colors. They (ear plugs) are squishy and poufy and you roll then into pointy cones and stick them in your ears.” Then she smiled and sort of rolled her eyes.

“You’ll have the best sleep you ever had; and if you get a sleep mask, the whole world could end without you ever waking up. I’ve used them both for years.”

Well, I knew about the sleep mask. I even had one, but it wouldn’t fit over my curlers. So I just smothered myself under the covers to escape the blazing light.

My husband thought the sleep mask was a scream because it was black satin, and when I did get the dang thing to stay on, I looked like the Lone Rangeress or Zorrina. Kinky, huh?

The ear plug information seemed to be the perfect solution to my sleep problems, so I got a box. They’re disposable after a few wearings, you know.

My first color was turquoise. They did a good job, and I trained my ears to accept the intrusion with little effort.

Then I went on a trip and forgot to bring the ear plugs.

Motels and hotels are inhabited by excessive personnel and undisciplined personalities. I purchased purple ear plugs as soon as was humanely possible.

The purple ear plugs blocked more noise than the turquoise ones and were even more squishy and poufy. Holy cats! I was back in business, and my ears were grateful for the added benefits.

However, there is one tiny, tiny adjustment when you choose to employ ear plugs. Alarm clocks are useless. You need a human or pet to poke you and then jump out of the way as fast as they can.

My hubby doesn’t care if I sleep ‘til doomsday. He refuses to poke anymore. I darn near decked him the last time, and he can still hear my screams in his nightmares.

My current ensemble is a turquoise sleep mask and purple ear plugs. When I add my Smurf hat... Hah! You can only imagine.