THE ONLY THING LEFT IS FEDERAL PRISON

For likely millions of America’s senior citizens, maintaining quality of life and even basic survival is impossible. Thanks to the current economic crisis, the finances of many of our senior citizenry can no longer support housing, health, transportation, nutrition, and personal maintenance needs.

Oh, you think getting old means a perpetual vacation? And you point at the gravy-train of Medicare and Social Security benefits? Hah! Yeah. Well, they’re going broke in like eight years?

We have such an economic and political mess on our hands right now that the people in charge cannot get it fixed.

Raise taxes. Bail out crooks. Send money to foreign interests who laugh at us and squander. Yes, yes, also be sure to raise the pay and benefits of the guys and gals who are in the business of running our government. They’ve done such a great job over the many years they’ve been in power. And don’t forget to give to them honorary degrees, and pay them huge fees to speak to our young citizens who are stuck with the massive debt that they are creating.

Could cronyism, self-interest and protection for silence be factors in the game they are playing with our country’s survival?

Politicians...go ahead, take your perks. You expected there would be many when you decided to run for the office you felt you deserved. Hey, I’m not just speaking about the Washington glitterati. There is plenty to point at when the local and state blow-hards take the stage.

Vacations, fact-finding nonsense, adulation, and kissy-face with the power crowd keep our elected herd of rulers mooing and bleating for more of whatever they can squeeze out of us or away from us.

All that having been said, here’s the straight feed – the meat of the matter: The only thing left is federal prison.

Sure. You think I’m kidding. You’ve read my cheeky chuckles and ambitious fluff. Not now. Not this time. I’m serious.

I’m almost deadly serious; because you, me, your mom, dad, family members and friends may have to commit a FEDERAL CRIME in order to be fed, clothed, housed, groomed, entertained, and medically cared for.

In other words: Many of us cannot survive unless we commit a federal crime and are sentenced to a federal prison. And I insist upon targeting federal prisons because the local and state lock-ups might be unacceptable to the needs and preferences of oldsters. What seniors need are country club style prisons.

Senior citizens are the primary group I’m addressing. Their chances for employment are practically non-existent. Jobs, everywhere, are dwindling. Younger people are the better fit.

Sheesh, don’t hand me that age discrimination stuff. What a limp bit of politically-correct crap that is.

Oldsters lose to youngsters. That is fact. However, I’ve seen reports of borderline cases where the disease of maturity is being treated.

The fight to keep or gain employment is relying on cosmetic estheticians and surgeons. The cost is dear, but credit cards are handy. Besides, they’ll never pay them off. And a good-looking pauper is not as scary as an ugly pauper when you’re forced to sleep in a cardboard box in a dark alley.

The only company I can legitimately recommend as a politically correct star in the hiring effort is Wal-Mart. Joke if you want, but the truth is that anyone has a better chance of being hired by Wal-Mart than any other company. And Wal-Mart offers diversity in many areas.

So, now, just what does federal prison offer to an oldster who can’t take it any longer? Hang out a bit longer with me, and we’ll take it logically to its conclusion.

The following represents speculation only. It is not a road-map to committing a crime. Nor is it a suggestion that someone should commit a crime. It is simple daydreaming, folks. And creativity relies on a lot of daydreaming.

Let’s begin with THE CRIME. And it must fit the parameters of a FEDERAL CRIME.

THE CRIME:

1.)      Prepare to commit far enough in advance of the crime and rid yourself of valuables. Give to your family or charity. Don’t bear the embarrassment of a Living Estate Sale. It’s painful and you’ll never get what the items are worth. Besides, it’s important to have as few assets as possible so you can get a public defender.

2.)      Keep it simple. Don’t wear a disguise. Wear something memorable and let your face shine. Look directly at the camera wherever and whenever possible.

3.)     Don’t use a weapon. You don’t want to hurt an innocent person.

4.)     Be really angry and show your fists. Be loud, determined, and as nutso as you can possibly manage.

5.)     If possible, bring your friends. Make sure they follow the above suggestions. You want this to be a team effort so that you’ll have all your buds in prison with you. Club Fed is what some people call the really nice places.

6.)     Take the bus or hire a cab. You want it to be a one-way trip and your family shouldn’t have to bail out your car from the police impound lot. Keep your expenses as low as possible.

7.)     Select an appropriate mark. Your goal is to be sent to a full-service federal facility. Do your homework. Pick your crime method carefully.

8.)     Be sure to include your spouse or age-appropriate sweetie. Don’t abandon her or him to struggle alone. Besides, the warden or the government may decide to save space, comply with the conjugal visit regulation, and be ultra sensitive to your fragile bones by giving you a spacious cell and outfitting it with a Sleep-Number/Craft-Matic bed. You could also get extra-credit for the Bonnie and Clyde factor.

THE CHARGE & SENTENCE: Your goal is to spend the rest of your life in the care of the government and have them be responsible for an appropriate send-off.

1.)     There are bank robbers in federal prison. If you should decide to rob a bank, research the jurisdiction category and the amenities of the location. You might want to enjoy a site-supplied cup of gourmet coffee before saying: “Stick ’em up.”

2.)     Commit tax evasion. Become a racketeer. Work an investment scam. (There are inmates in federal prisons for such crimes.)

3.)     Go for the maximum, time. Your public defender may try to make his bones by getting you off on a clever defense, but it is your life and personal security that’s at stake. You don’t want to be set free to struggle in a world full of crime, poverty and decadence.

PRISON

1.)     Make sure you get good food. Cat or dog food is unacceptable in prison.

2.)     Make sure your cable connection is sufficient. Premium channels, please. By all means, get the biggest, bad-ass TV allowable by law.

3.)     Make sure you see the dentist. They may even decide that you could use a brand new set.

4.)     Make sure you see all the doctors. Find it. Fix it. Use it. Whatever IT is.

5.)     Take your medicine. Feel good, and take the good stuff on time. The whole rest-of-your-life is ahead of you.

6.)     Get together with your friends for board games and outdoor sports. After all, they were your partners in crime. Make new friends, too. Some felons went solo. Besides, no one lives forever.

7.)     Learn a trade. Get a diploma. Become friends with the computer and the Internet.

The above listings sound ridiculous. Yes? No? But what if you think about the things you see on TV or read in the newspaper? Is it really that far-fetched?

How many times have you been outraged that bad people get privileges and victims get no justice?

How many times have you wanted to live in a gated, protected environment with expensive amenities?

How many times have you heard about the good life at senior communities and seen the smiling faces and active, envious lifestyle?

You see, facing the future as a lonely, deprived, sickly has-been is what is more likely than ever to happen to good people.

“Going In Style,” a 1979 movie, starring George Burns and Art Carney was about senior citizens who robbed a bank. Thirty years have passed, and the prospect of senior citizens committing a crime in order to survive doesn’t seem like a joke. Does it?

The Mayan calendar says that December 21, 2012 marks the end. The real end to end all ends. That’s just three years, seven months away. Is that why no one cares anymore?