THE BIZARRE ZONE: Weight Control
Saturday, February 12, 2011 at 06:16PM This blog probes the area of PHYSICS that pertains to WEIGHT CONTROL!!
Let's start by asking the QUESTION: “IF A CALORIE IS A UNIT OF HEAT/ENERGY, WHY IS ICE CREAM SO FATTENING???
ANSWER: Because...the CALORIE remains DORMANT only when it remains COMPLETELY FROZEN. When we see the ICE CREAM begin to MELT, that signals the AWAKENING of the MONSTER. Further WARMING by our mouths and stomachs STRENGTHENS the MONSTER. That's how we gain one pound for every four ounces of ICE CREAM consumed.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: Before eating ICE CREAM, turn your air conditioner to 60 degrees. Sit directly in front of the air conditioning vent and let your body cool down. When you start to shiver, DO NOT GRAB A BLANKET! Have a friend or family member quickly remove the ICE CREAM CARTON from the freezer, grab a strong spoon, and place in your shivering hands. Eat ICE CREAM directly from the carton. When you have had enough, (which should be real soon) summon said friend/family member to pry carton from your stiff fingers and return it to the freezer for future enjoyment. Your assistant must dash back to help carry you to a warmer part of the house and re-set the air conditioner to normal. If your recovery goes well, you'll probably gain less weight than old-fashioned methods.
PROGNOSIS: Barring PNEUMONIA and FROST BITE, treatment will be a complete success. Weight gain from ICE CREAM consumption will no longer be a factor, due to trauma endured. FURTHER TREATMENT NOT RECOMMENDED!
DISCLAIMER: The explanations and procedures in the above text are complete fantasy and SHOULD NOT, in any way, be considered scientific fact. The writer (me) wishes to advise that this little detour into the BIZARRE ZONE is for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY! LAUGHING...GIGGLING...even an "OH BROTHER!" is most welcome and encouraged.
COMING ATTRACTIONS: The BIZARRE ZONE will return in the coming weeks with other chilling topics. Be prepared to probe:
AIRBORNE CALORIES
PASSIVE CONSUMPTION
CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION
SECONDARY CONSUMPTION
WHEW! Got to quit watching those late-night horror movies and cut down on the ice cream. Now let's awaken to the real world and think about something delicious, colorful, and down-right easy on the diet.
The following recipe is a delightful appetizer that is pretty and COLD. It is prepared on individual salad plates, covered with plastic wrap, and kept in the refrigerator until serving time. If you will be entertaining a large group, you'll need plenty of space in the refrigerator and preparation time.
FANTASY APPETIZER (Individual Portions)
1 medium wedge* FRESH MELON: CANTALOUPE, HONEYDEW, OR CASABA
1 slice* PROSCIUTTO HAM (Ultra Thin Cut)
* GRAPES--in little clusters --
choose RED/GREEN/BLACK/COMBO
* FRESH CHERRIES - with stems
* KIWI FRUIT - sliced
* FRESH STRAWBERRIES
* MOZZARELLA CHEESE-shredded
Begin by spiral wrapping slice(s) of PROSCIUTTO HAM around MELON WEDGE and place in center of salad plate. Decoratively position FRUIT selections around MELON/HAM and scatter shredded MOZZARELLA CHEESE over top. Cover with plastic wrap and place in refrigerator until serving. This salad makes an especially attractive first course for a patio party. Serve plain or with your favorite Poppy Seed Fruit Dressing.
*Quantities will depend on number of guests to be served. Be creative! You can add or change fruit selections to suit you or your guests' tastes. Sometimes Prosciutto ham sizes vary greatly. Use more slices if desired.
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