THE LOST GOSPELS OF THE RIGHTEOUS FARTS

It’s been a long time since I wrote a real story for this website.  So I did some really deep thinking about what kind of subject would offer a bit of a bang.

As we all know, stories depicting the foibles of humanity have wide appeal.

Oh, goody, I thought.  Wouldn’t it be a swell idea to get a little risqué and, at the same time, dabble into some unreported human activities during the way-back days of human history?

What possible thing of importance could history sages and authors have missed?  Nothing came to mind; and nothing would come to mind even though I grunted and strained mightily.

Good Lord, I thought, not another poem!  Please restrain me!  And The Lord did restrain me through days of dutiful labor and evenings of mindless of television.  My creative output became bound by Twitter’s 140 characters.

Suddenly, as suddenly as a lightning bolt, I remembered a silly comic routine from the Comedy Channel and combined it with the History Channel’s Naked Archeologist search for authentication of biblical history.

For certain, The Holy Bible has been telling us all about what went on with the people from way, way back for a long, long time.  Lots of people put The Holy Bible on the top of the Best Seller List, and lots of people pattern their lives accordingly.

The Bible tells of goodness and naughtiness.  The Bible tells us that the people ate and drank and labored and sacrificed. 

What The Bible falls flat on is how funny human existence can really be.  Thus, we can’t help but wonder about what they, for instance, read in the ancient outhouse.  Those clay tablets, you know, can be very heavy.

Let’s consider the simple but necessary effort of expelling gaseous buildup in the digestive tract. 

Oh, grow up people.  God made man and included plumbing for a very good reason.  Sure, eating and drinking and drawing breath figure prominently in The Bible.  There is also some serious celebrating reported, but The Bible doesn’t have much comic relief.  Didn’t the righteous people of the bible fart?

Yes, people.  I do dare to ask the question:  Where are The Lost Gospels of the Righteous Farts?

You see, when men gather together and eat and drink, they do fart.  They also point, pull fingers, inflame buttocks and laugh themselves silly.  In other words, they have fun with basic materials.

Oh, for sure.  Women don’t get a pass when it comes to the ancient art of farting.  But women suppress indelicate urges whenever they are in the company of others. 

Children are definitely in a class by themselves, and I’d rather not blow things out of proportion.

How many of you are still with me?  Will the staunchest of you please revive the ones who have fainted?  We are about to flush out the truth.

THE TRUTH:

            The Lost Gospels of the Righteous Farts are out there.  They will be found.  They must exist, because righteous mankind cannot exist without basic humor.  There is nothing more basic to the human condition than the righteous fart.

Now, go out and spread the truth.  Relax, and ride a mighty wind to knowledge and understanding.  Most of all, please pray I won’t have to ever again shirk my duty.