Lightning strikes frequently in the form of an unexpected guest. It’s inevitable. Just when you stretch your need to shop for food supplies to the breaking point, someone shows up at your door hungrier than Yogi the Bear.
To develop this picture further, let’s add that it is your husband (brute that he is) who has dragged Yogi to your door with a glowing rendition of how you would love to meet Yogi. He further commits spousal mayhem with assurances that you will provide a meal more worthy than any restaurant could imagine for this misdirected business pow-wow lunch.
Also imagine that this picture portrays hubby and Yogi in business suits, while you are very likely decked-out in old clothes, no makeup and hair rollers.
Now add the trappings of massive house cleaning, the smell of furniture polish, the necessity of silencing the vacuum, and returning the furniture to their rightful places in society. Is this a subtle portrait of domestic bliss? I think not!
You’re caught like a rat in a trap, but you must suppress the panicky, wild-eyed beast within you, and fondle Yogi’s paw.
All this takes talent, my friends, because fondling Yogi’s paw, while flinging daggers at hubby, is beyond the realm covered by marriage vows.
You know you’ll forgive The Brute someday, somehow, so you wash your hands and prepare the dining room table for your amazing magic act.
Thank God they are out of the line of vision, you muse. Then you begin the horror of taking inventory of your meager supplies. Leftovers: Nada! Pantry: Sparse! Cookbook: Aw, forget it! Cookbooks do not address the issue of battle rations.
With a heavy heart, you put your mask in place and recite the delicate delights to be experienced from your “Broiled Bonito Fromage” and the wispy Hawaii-inspired “Verbiage et Ananas avec Crème Lèche.”
Yogi’s eyes light up in anticipation.
The Brute doesn’t have a clue, but hides his confusion behind a silent, loving smile. Yes! Your telepathic message has been received: “Shut up and clean your plate! It’s the best I can do -- for now.”
Continuing on into the fray, it is only fair to mention that any cook, who has ever slung a spatula, knows the magical properties of the French language. If you cannot conjure French, then choose exotic sounding words from whatever language comes to mind.
Quite ordinary foods become exquisite meals once you have clouded reality with a foreign language. Thus, Broiled Bonito Fromage and Verbiage et Ananas avec Crème Lèche bring a tuna fish with cheese sandwich, and frozen waffles with canned pineapple and cream cheese frosting to new heights of haute cuisine.
Remember, ladies, say it with an accent. Say it with a straight face. And don’t let ’em into the kitchen. Men don’t know! Men don’t care.
BROILED BONITO FROMAGE
(Serves 2-3)
1 can TUNA - all white meat - packed in water - DRAINED
1 good size Celery Stalk -- remove strings and chop into small pieces
1/4 cup Onion - chopped small -- Red Onion preferred
3 tsp. approx. Vinegar: Use any one, or a combo, of Red, Apple Cider, Rice, or Balsamic
1 heaping tsp. Gulden’s (or similar)Spicy Brown Mustard
dash Garlic Powder (optional)
qty. Salt & Black Pepper (to taste)
2 tbsp. Mayonnaise
1 tbsp. Miracle Whip
1/2 tsp. Sweet India Relish (optional)
qty. Slices of BREAD - your choice of variety -- 2-slices per serving
2 slices/serving Cheese -- any variety will do – mix or match – whatever you have
Combine Tuna and the next 9 ingredients. Blend well. Add more Mayo and/or Miracle Whip if desired. Toast Bread slices -- 2 slices per person is the usual serving. (Try not to make the bread too dark so that you avoid breakage or crumbling.) Spread a reasonable quantity of the Tuna mixture on each slice of bread and ‘top’ with cheese. Arrange slices on a broiler pan or cookie sheet and place under a hot broiler element. Monitor closely. Remove when the cheese melts or begins to brown or bubble. Serve immediately. (Knives and forks will be necessary.) You may wish to decorate with pimento, capers, or black or green olives. Kids like this little touch.
VERBIAGE ET ANANAS AVEC CRÈME LECHE
(Serves 2 - 4)
1 can Pineapple Slices -- unsweetened in natural juice (Chunks or Crushed will do, but Slices are prettier and easier.)
4 ozs. Cream Cheese (softened)
1 tbsp. Butter (softened)
4 tbsp. Condensed Milk (Half-n-Half or Cream will work, too.)
3 tbsp. Natural Juice from Pineapple Can
1/8 tsp Pure Vanilla Extract (Quantity is approximate. More or less if preferred)
qty. Confectioner’s Powdered Sugar (Sufficient quantity to sweeten and keep sauce medium thickness.)
1/serv. Frozen Waffles (2/serving if you want to splurge)
Open canned Pineapple and remove the number of pineapple slices you plan to use. (Save the remainder. Refrigerate.)
In a small bowl, thoroughly blend Cream Cheese and Butter. Add liquids and Powdered Sugar, alternating each, a little at a time, until you reach the consistency of a medium thin sauce. Toast waffles; a nicely browned color is preferred, but avoid burning. Top each waffle with one slice of Pineapple (or equiv. chunks/crushed variety). Spoon a generous amount of the sauce mixture on top. Add Maraschino Cherries if you wish. Serve immediately. Knives and forks are also required.
Note #1: If you have nice glass luncheon plates, use them. And put out real napkins if you’ve got them. Yogi will feel extra special and you may get a dozen roses from him the next day. It happened. Trust me. The Brute, of course, will be humbled.
Note #2: Should you need to get yourself spiffed up a bit, serve the tuna and dash off to change and comb. You should be able to manage the transformation between courses. Remember, mon ami, you are magic.